Sometimes we think we’re surrendering, when really, we’re just collapsing. Kink can be beautiful—but only if it’s conscious. This piece is about how Dom/sub dynamics can unknowingly activate childhood trauma, and what to do when submission becomes self-abandonment.

I used to think subspace was the safest place in the world.

It felt like coming home. I could stop performing, stop deciding, stop being “on.” It was where I finally felt held. Seen. Cared for.

But that illusion broke.

Because sometimes, subspace isn’t safety—it’s collapse. It’s your nervous system saying, “I give up.” And I realized I wasn’t surrendering from a place of power. I was surrendering because I didn’t know how to ask for what I needed.

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At one point, kink became the stage for my trauma to replay itself.

Especially as someone who’s neurodivergent and raised in chaos, I was craving structure. Protection. Someone to finally show up and stay. So when I found a Dom who felt safe, I clung. Hard.

He wasn’t the problem, though.

In fact, he did an excellent job immersing me in the dynamic. He was present, generous, and intentional. But I hadn’t done enough of my own emotional labor.

I became overly attached.
The intensity of the bond made me feel like I was being rescued—and I liked it. I slipped into a familiar pattern: craving to be saved, looking for someone to regulate me because I hadn’t fully learned how to regulate myself.

And that’s when I knew: I had to step back. Reluctantly. Because the whole reason I chose to be single and become a better, more  healed version of myself was to stop repeating this exact cycle.

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Submission without self-awareness becomes self-abandonment.

Let me be clear: kink is powerful. It can be healing. But it’s not a replacement for therapy. And it’s not a shortcut to wholeness.

I had to get radically honest with myself:     Was I submitting because I wanted to explore power dynamics—or because I didn’t feel powerful on my own?

Was I craving surrender from a place of embodiment—or from emotional depletion?Was I looking for intimacy—or an escape?

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Some red flags I ignored in the name of submission dealing with fake Doms:

• I felt like I couldn’t say no without being “disobedient”
• I gave more than I had—energetically, emotionally, sexually
• I feared abandonment every time the scene ended
• I wanted aftercare but felt guilty for needing it
• I mistook control for love
• I started to feel more like a child than a partner

At times, I felt like I was parenting the “Dom”—reminding him of basic respect and presence—when all I wanted was to be held.

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Why this happens (especially for those of us with trauma):

Because kink activates the nervous system.

If you’ve experienced childhood neglect, parentification, or emotional chaos, submission might feel like a return to something familiar—even if that familiarity was once unsafe. It’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to check in with your body.

Sometimes we don’t crave submission—we crave relief.

What I’ve learned (the hard way):

• Kink cannot rescue you.
• A Dom isn’t your therapist, your parent, or your emotional crutch.
• Even the safest Dom can’t regulate a dysregulated inner child.
• You have to do your own inner work—especially if you’re drawn to intense dynamics.

This is why I had to take a break—even from someone I truly cared about. I had to recalibrate my nervous system and return to myself. I had to remind myself why I chose to walk this path of healing alone: to break patterns, not repeat them with prettier packaging.

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So what can you do if you’re exploring kink?

• Name your intentions before the play. Are you acting out fantasy, or seeking safety you’ve never had?
• Know your triggers. You can’t always avoid them, but you can name them.
• Don’t skip negotiation. Seriously. The more history you have with trauma, the more important it is to clarify expectations.
• Advocate for your needs. Not just physical needs—emotional ones, too.
• Ground yourself in reality. No Dom can rescue you. They can only meet you where you already are.
• Prioritize your relationship with self. Kink should enhance your self-trust, not erode it.

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Final thoughts:

You deserve kink that heals—not reenacts.

You deserve play that opens your body—not traps your inner child.

You deserve love that feels like choice—not obligation.

So yes—surrender.

But do it from a place of knowing who the fuck you are first ✨

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🖤 Affirmation:

“My submission is sacred. My needs are valid. I return to myself before I give myself away. Period.”